Dealing with Death
In every universe, death is a really heavy topic to cover. While it is a natural part of life (no one is exempt), it also comes hand in hand with grief and heartache. Perhaps the scariest part of death is the uncertainty. Everyone has different beliefs about what comes after death. While we can speculate to the ends of the world, no one will truly ever know in this lifetime.
Towards the end of Paul Kalanithi’s memoir When Breath Becomes Air, he ponders questions surrounding death and faith. While I knew he would die (it was the preface to the entire book), I still sobbed for the entire epilogue.
Most patients, thankfully, do not have traumatic events to tell me about, and in which case we enjoy conversing about other aspects within the patient experience. Regardless, I always start interviews with easier subjects. They’ve just met me, and it is necessary to develop a bond of trust before asking them to open up about vulnerable experiences.
I interviewed a patient whose son died when he was fairly young. He had a seizure, and when he got to the hospital, he received surgeries that he did not need. I listened as he described his grief, “Something died inside of me when he did. I don’t talk much about him because it brings pain on me.” I could only imagine the sorrow that he felt (and feels).
Losing any family member is devastating, but a parent grieving their child is inconceivable. Lin Manuel Miranda captured this in “It’s Quiet Uptown” (from Hamilton: The Musical), with the lyrics, “There are moments that the words don’t reach/ There is suffering too terrible to name/ You hold your child as tight as you can/ And push away the unimaginable.”
I asked this patient if there was anything anyone said or did that helped him process his loss. He corroborated what I already knew: “No.” No matter how many condolences or expressions of sympathy one is offered, dealing with death is just hard. “But it’s been a long time, and he’s a part of my life,” he continued. “He lives in me until I pass. And I had kids that needed me to be a father.”
Doctors care for patients in their darkest hours. While they’re employed to take care of people’s physical health, their mental and emotional wellbeing is also often in distress. It is impossible to fully comprehend or lessen their pain. However, having someone who will hear and listen to you while you grieve may be one of the few ways to release some of the sorrow.